10 Things Partners Can Do to Support Moms Prenatally
Partners! Especially male partners!! This post is for you!!
Real talk, my friends. Pregnancy might feel like forever right now, but it is a drop in the bucket of life. It goes by quickly. She will always remember the way you treat her during pregnancy and the birth. Step up your game and be ready to support her through this because labor is not for the faint of heart.
You’ll encounter new sights, sounds, and smells throughout the labor process. You’ll be more tired than you know you could be.
I recently doulaed for a couple where the dad was a retired Marine, who had completed multiple Iron Man triathlons. He told me afterwards that he couldn’t believe how his wife did it–that it was harder than anything he’d ever done, and he was in such awe of her strength and power. What a sweet couple!
But before you get to the labor, you have to go through the fun (or maybe not so fun parts) of pregnancy. Reading books, listening to podcasts, doing all the busy mind work of getting ready for labor is absolutely important, but this list focuses on more of the connection aspect of pregnancy.
Here are ten ways you can support her prenatally:
#1. Go to as many appointments as you can!
I know we all have jobs and you want to save your time off for when the baby comes. But these are pretty important moments that you’ll never get to redo. Also, if mom gets some unexpected news, you’ll want to be there with her. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes women can feel emotions extra hard when pregnant. So sometimes a throw away comment by a provider can ruin their whole week. If you’re there when the statement is made, you can help with damage control. If you’re there, you can make a video of the heartbeat sound. If you’re there, you can take awkward pictures of the provider measuring her belly. Show her you’re in it with her by literally showing up!
#2. Talk to them about any fears or worries they have about giving birth.
Communication is so important in any marriage, but especially when you become parents, you have to figure out how to talk to each other without ending up resenting one another. You can be madly in love and then a baby comes into your life sucking away your energy, your patience, your ability to be baselevel nice–those first few weeks of sleep deprivation are literally insane. You need to be able to talk to each other to figure out how best to support each other. That starts prenatally, and especially talking about fear surrounding birth. If she has this hidden life behind her thoughts and you don’t know that she’s afraid, it is going to stall out/stop/arrest her labor. AND you don’t want her going into the hospital feeling so scared.
You can talk things out, or at least figure out that you need some more help such as a therapist, doula, or a class that helps with fears, like HypnoBirthing. Communication is key in labor and it will help prepare you for parenthood knowing just how to talk to each other when things get hard.
#3. Know the birth plan–what’s on it and why.
When a person is in labor, they often go inside themselves to cope with the sensations. We call it Labor Land (like La La Land). They keep their eyes closed, they ignore the people talking to them through a contraction. You need to know what they would want when they’re otherwise preoccupied. Do you know if she would be comfortable talking about having her water broken, or is it a hard no? What is optimal cord clamping time? How do you talk to providers when she can’t?
When something is suggested, use your brain. Ask what are the benefits? Are there any risks? What else can we do? Does she have a gut feeling about any of the options? What if we did nothing for now?
#4. Take a class together.
Preferably an in-person class that meets multiple times. A weekly class will build on the skills you learned in the last class and give you ample time to practice the skills taught in each session. I am a HypnoBirthing instructor, so I love the HypnoBirthing approach to things–keeping the partners informed on choices, empowering them with a wide range of comfort measure techniques, and keeping everyone calm. But there are a variety of birth education courses out there–pick the one that fits you both!
#5. Especially in the 3rd trimester, plan at least one date night.
One she’ll love. Romance won’t be in the picture for a bit of time after baby is here–celebrate each other and your last bit of time that it’s just you guys. Pregnancy is such a special time in your life. Doing something romantic for her is a lovely way to show her you love her and that you’ll be thoughtful and supportive as a partner not only throughout labor, but also parenthood. Things will not be very romantic once baby is here and you’re both changing diapers and figuring out feeding schedules, etc. So this last date night (for a while, anyway) will be perfect.
Pregnant me at Yellowfin in Edgewater, Md.
#6. Dry run to the hospital–know the way there, where to park, where to go next.
This is your time to shine! Know the way there from multiple locations. I know we have google maps, but AAMC is easier to get to at 11am than it is 4pm. Know which routes to avoid at which times of day. At AAMC, garage C is where you want to be. Go there and park and walk to the front desk so you know exactly where to go and where to check in before going to L&D. If you can take an in-person tour, do it together.
#7. KNOW WHERE STUFF IS IN THE BIRTH BAG- chapstick, sleep mask, toothbrush, anything she might need.
I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve been to a birth where the mom needs something in the bag and she has to describe exactly where it is while being exhausted and trying to catch her breath in between contractions. You have to take over this mental load for her. Hold it in your mind where her things are and be able to retrieve them.
#8. Is a hand or foot rub more relaxing to her? Test it out!
Try giving her a hand massage this week. You don’t realize the amount of tension that you carry in your hands in general, but especially so in labor. From gripping the railing while walking up the stairs in labor, to holding hands, to grabbing behind her legs during pushing, the hands can get tense. Know how to give her a massage to help her relax in between contractions.
Try a foot massage (if she likes them). Find out exactly how she likes it so you’re able to do this in labor, as well as the rest of the pregnancy. Pregnant women often get swelling in their feet and they feel sore at the end of the day. Take care of her this way and give her feet some love.
#9. Try to put her hair up in a pony tail! The first time you do this shouldn’t be when she needs you to do a good job of it.
Do most men know how to do this? I am not really sure. But if she’s throwing up a lot, holding her hair back is nice, but putting it up in a ponytail is working smarter, not harder. Practice doing it so you know how to not snag her hair in labor. I also love a good scalp massage for deeper relaxation, so give that a go while you’re up there!
#10. Get a doula that recognizes birth support is about helping the partner, too.
I tell all my clients in the initial consult that I’m 55% the birthing person’s doula, but I’m also 45% the partner’s doula. I’m there to support them both and make sure the partner is as involved as they want to be, every step of the way. Some dads are more hands off in a medical setting and expect a doula to be more hands-on on their behalf.. Whatever you need as a partner, look for that in the doula that you hire. She isn’t replacing you–she is there to make you a better, more supportive partner and to tag in when you need to eat/sleep/rest/go for a walk.
As Mr Rogers sang, there are many ways to say I love you.
These are just ten. You know your partner best and maybe she would hate you messing with her hair at all. Do what feels best to her and what you feel comfortable with doing. Whatever you do through the pregnancy, listen to her and show her you care in all the ways she loves the most. If you don’t know those ways yet, have a conversation about it. Tell her now that you want to fine tune everything so that you know just what to do at the birth.
I love that I get to see the real time results of love, working in this business. Two tall people (both over 6 feet) hired me recently to be their doula and they took my HypnoBirthing class. They were so sweet and had the most beautiful labor. At one point, I got to hear their meet cute –they happened to be on the same plane together one random day. I don’t know if you’ve been on a plane lately, but anybody over 6 feet is even more noticeable on a plane. This beautiful giantess instantly attracted this giant and BAM! a few years and a wedding later, they had a ten pound baby together (with me there, loving every minute of that amazing birth). We all have our origin stories. I hope I get to hear yours one day, or to play a small part in your baby’s.
