To the mama nervous about going from one kid to two kids…

Whatever you’re feeling is valid. Allow yourself to feel it without judgement. 

You are doing a great job taking care of yourself, your first baby, and this baby growing in you. 

I struggled with the same thoughts–how will this change my first daughter’s life? I got the news I was pregnant three days before my daughter’s first birthday. I was going to have two under two. It was wild and wonderful news. 

But this guilt kept creeping in–how will my first adjust to this? I knew my love would multiple, not divide. But I also knew I had a finite amount of brain and emotional bandwidth. How would that look when my attention needed to be divided from just one child to two? 

It will work out. I promise you it will. For most of human history, women started having babies and just didn’t stop until menopause prevented more from being born. Throughout history, most people born on this earth grew up with siblings. 

Marie Antoinette had 15 siblings. Dolly Parton had 11. Whitney Houston had 2. Jane Goodall has 1. 

No hate to the mamas who decide ONE AND DONE!! Whatever people choose is what is right for them and none of my business. 

But, there are many benefits to giving your child a sibling. 

A new baby in the house gives the chance for bigger kids to learn about sharing their toys, of course, but also about sharing mom–from the time my first baby was born, I was at her beck and call. That would no longer be the case once the second arrived. Making her wait to be with me was a challenge, but such an important life skill. 

I have a very vivid memory of sitting on a toddler sized chair next to the potty while my older child tried to poop as I read a book to her, while I breastfeed my six week old. NOTE: Do NOT be like me and start potty training your almost two year old a few weeks after having a baby. 

Being a big sister is such a huge part of my daughter’s identity; I don’t think she remembers a time before that anymore. I have these pictures of her with her adorable baby cheeks giving my pregnant belly kisses that I only look at on occasion because they make me squeal with delight and that bittersweet heartache parents have in looking back at how fast time really does march on. 

I read somewhere recently (though I cannot for the life of me remember where) that bringing a new sibling home is the equivalent for that first child as the emotional shift you would feel if your partner suddenly brought home a new spouse and said, they’re going to live here now. 

It’s life changing to bring another kid into the mix and developmentally appropriate (depending on your bigger kids’ age) for there to be regression, emotional outbursts, and for them to act out in some way. 

That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means they’re a human being learning how to cope with emotional dysregulation as well as they can. 

If you are expecting your second baby soon, here are some tips for helping you transition with that world shift:

#1. Don’t let guilt rob you of your joy. 

It is hard as the parent going from giving one child 100% of your time and attention to having to now split it. Let yourself grieve that, if you need. Mom guilt is such an exhausting thing to battle. Let it go. Let yourself mourn, and then, move forward. Life is about to be very different for the household and guilt is just not a very helpful emotion to linger in. You’re doing nothing wrong by giving your child the gift of a sibling. Things will be different, but that isn’t a bad thing. Change is going to happen in life, and welcoming the new baby with an open heart to all the love that will soon overflow will make that transition so much smoother. 

Know that it’ll be hard. Expect that. 

#2. Recruit that big kid to “help.” 

I know it can be such a pain once your kid is in the “I can do it myself” stage. Honey, if you could buckle your seatbelt yourself, I would let you. But once you have the new baby in your arms, asking your big kid to hand you a diaper from the bag includes them and teaches them they’re a part of this family right along with you. 

The more you can include them, the less they feel ‘left out,’ so do what you can to let them help. 

PRO TIP: One parent shared that whenever people were meeting the baby, the bigger sibling got to ‘introduce’ the baby to everyone, telling everyone their name. 

#3. The baby needs to wait for mom’s (and dad’s) attention too! 

If you are coloring with your older child and the baby starts to cry, you can say to the baby, ‘I’ll be there in one minute, big sister needs me right now.’ A baby is not going to remember crying for that extra minute or so, but the older sibling will remember you leaving them for the baby. 

I know you can’t do this every time. But it demonstrates to your bigger kid that they are important too. It’s just another way to show them you love them.

PRO TIP: When first introducing a newborn to their sibling, baby should be in their bassinet or on the floor on a blanket, as opposed to being in your lap. This way, you can love up on your bigger kid and they get the message that you’re still available to them.

#4. Set aside time for just you and the oldest each day, even if it's only 10 minutes.

Don’t torture yourself by playing Barbies or whatever, if you hate it. I love my kids, but I hated playing dolls with them. I’ll play UNO all day, read to them, color, etc. But having my kid direct my every move in a game of makebelieve was insufferable to me. 

I made sure I still read my big kid a good night book every night. My husband always made sure to take her for a walk to the park when he got home from work. There’s a million ways to fit in a 5-10 minute alone time bonding session with your bigger kid–you find what works for your family and stay consistent about making time to do it. 

#5. Remember that your second is going to be different from your first.

I know people mentally know this, but I don’t know if everyone really gets it. I can almost guarantee, if your first baby was a good sleeper from the getgo, your second is going to be a sleep monster. Sorry to say. 

My girls were the opposite–my first didn’t sleep well for nine months and still was waking up in the night sometimes when I gave birth, while that second baby did a pretty great job from the beginning. 

The newborn stage is HARD. You forget-even if it was only a year ago, the sleep deprivation bleeps that hardness out of memory, for some people. So, you’ll have to juggle a newborn’s need to eat every 2-3 hours with the naps, food demands, and attention demands of your bigger kid. That’ll take time to figure out. 

And, what worked for your first baby might not (see: probably won’t) work for your second baby. Babies like to keep us on our toes and as soon as we think we’ve got what they need figured out, they go through a leap and what they need changes. 

Be ready for your second baby to have a different personality from the beginning, different opinions, and to want different ways of being showed love or comfort. Go with it. Be fluid where you can.

PRO TIP: My first baby absolutely hated her swing. We got rid of it. Months into my second baby’s life, we were at a friend’s house and we put her in the swing and she was the happiest little lady in there. We immediately bought her one. Each kid is different and that’s easy to forget sometimes. Try out new things that didn’t work for your first on your second. It might be just what they need.

#6. Lean on your family/ friends/ your village.

If you were the kind of person who got to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ the first time around, you probably won’t have that luxury the second time. Even if your big kid is in daycare, you’ll still need to handle getting that bag packed and getting them out the door/dropped off and then seemingly only a few hours later, picking them back up. 

If you have help nearby, take them up on those offers of ready made food dropped off, let your mom do your laundry, let your friend hang out with baby while you shower. Lean on your people because if mom isn’t doing well, it affects the whole household dramatically. 

MOTHER THE MOTHERS.

Additionally, even more than ever before the second baby, you will need to get some alone time. Sometimes that means sitting on your bed and doing nothing for 20 minutes. And that time is still precious. 

Sometimes that means going to a cafe and enjoying a drink quietly with yourself once a week. For some, it means going to yoga or fitting in a run. Whatever your ‘me’ time looks like, plan it out. Make sure your partner knows you expect to get some me time–and they need that too. Communicate with each other and make it happen so you both don’t go crazy. 

While this isn’t an exhaustive list, I hope you found it helpful. I had an easy time with the lifestyle change of going from 0 to 1 child. But I really struggled with that transition of 1 to 2 kids. It wasn’t because I sucked at it. It was because it is a hard thing to do. 

Some people say it’s easier than going from 0 to 1! It just depends on your experience. I hope these tips make a difference for you. 

It’s so wonderfully heartwarming to see my girls together now, putting on ballet shows in the living room together, my oldest reading to my younger child, all the lovely things they get to share together that I am not privy to. They really do have their own language together. 

It’s hard, but it’s worth it. You’ve got this. Good luck!